Dirty Benny's Weekly Rant

[Napoleon Solo]

//Swann asks, “Given every other possible option why would one choose the life of a paid assassin?” Here we go again! That old assassin rubbish! //

I forget if I mentioned this, but on page one of the Dec. 1, 2014, draft the stage directions refer to Bond as an assassin. It's not just the dialogue, it's a concept that's baked into the script beyond that.

[dirtybenny]

They've been pushing the assassin theme since CR, as I said before Bond was never really an assassin, he killed sure but rarely as an assassin!

[Kristatos]

In TLD he acted as an assassin, but it was obvious he didn't have much taste for that aspect of the job.

[Capt. Sir Dominic Flandry]

Dirty Benny wrote
Poor film making and Bourne style shaky cam aside, I think a lot of this has to do with the size of the men involved. Dave Bautista is head and shoulders taller than Craig (literally) however this was never established, as the men never stood near each other, so when they roll around in a series of quick, shaky jump cuts, filmed at low angles, all you see is their girth. Craig being ominous henchman sized himself detracts from the sense of doom one should feel in this sort of fight.

Sounds like a scene from one of Seagal's movies. Maybe Eon ought to hire a Seagal production team for Craig's next Bond movie and they could save $200 million. Also Eon could just get Craig to film for a week and use body doubles - such as Craig's body double who wears the rubber ape mask. That way Daniel Craig will not overexert himslef and be able to fit a Bond movie in between his busy routine of attending restaurants and sports events.

[dirtybenny]

In TLD he acted as an assassin, but it was obvious he didn't have much taste for that aspect of the job.

Very true Kris, TMWTGG also had Bond as an assassin, however the new guard at EON seem to think that is all Bond does, like some sort of government mafia hit man.

Sounds like a scene from one of Seagal's movies. Maybe Eon ought to hire a Seagal production team for Craig's next Bond movie and they could save $200 million. Also Eon could just get Craig to film for a week and use body doubles - such as Craig's body double who wears the rubber ape mask. That way Daniel Craig will not overexert himslef and be able to fit a Bond movie in between his busy routine of attending restaurants and sports events.

Yeah Capt. it was very B level, Segal style would have been a bit of an improvement. It's hard to believe they spent 300mil. on this garbage!

[Veronica]

This whole "why is Bond an assassin" talk is laughable. I though it is an obvious answer,he is a patriot. And saying
this is (among other things)what makes Craig Fleming's vision of Bond is well...wrong.

[dirtybenny]

Special Feature Rant: The SPECTRE Introspection: part 12: “Never Meet Your Villains”

An old adage goes, “Never meet your heroes, as you’ll be disappointed”; in this instance the same can be said for villains.

The inexplicably luxurious Moroccan desert train pulls away, revealing our two newly minted star crossed lovers in the middle of nowhere. Apparently none of the railway officials or local authorities have any questions for the couple who were involved with the little “disagreement” in the dining car the night before, which destroyed 3 out of the 7 railway cars on that train, or in regards to the other involved passenger who has since gone missing.

Cut to a small, long abandoned desert hut where the two are now standing, waiting, we know their waiting because Craig asks “This may be a long wait, are you having second thoughts?” A wait for what exactly? Last I remember they were heading to a fly spec on a map, to find and kill “him”. Now they’re waiting for a ride? What did they do? Ring ahead and say they were coming? “Yes, hello, secret desert SPECTRE installation? Yes I have a reservation to kill your leader and destroy your base, yes reservation for two at 10 AM, we have quite a bit of luggage, so please send a large car.”

And send a large car they did, in the distance a dust cloud appears and grows larger until a 1948 Rolls Royce Silver Wrath can be recognized, I know precisely that it is, because Craig says exactly that. Before uttering the year make and model of the mystery car, Craig dressed in an outfit similar to the post golf outfit Connery sports in GF, (wink) co**s his pistol and secretes it behind his back. So he’s expecting trouble? What kind of trouble, I’m really having one hell of a time trying to figure out what is supposed to be going on here! What the bloody hell were they waiting at the station for? Nobody knew they were coming! Maybe they did call ahead! So much for M’s claim that they would only be helping “them” by tracking Craig.

I’d also like to point out Hinx just tried to kill them last night on the train, you know the henchman working for Oberhauser. Now OB is sending a limo? Not a gunship? Not even a couple of stereotypical 1930’s gangsters with tommy guns in a rootin, tootin drive by? Just a chauffeur who politely opens the door and says “Please”? If you wanted to meet up with him for high tea, why waste your henchman’s time (And life) trying to kill him?

The Rolls takes them down a long dirt road to crater town, along the way Swann says “I’m scared James” to which Craig grabs her hand, she clutches it and makes a face as if his hands are sweating. (Wink to Dr. No) Inside the crater we find something reminiscent of Palm Springs CA. a large lush green lawn being watered by the oscillating sprinklers one would find at a hardware store, in front of an austere postmodern edifice. As Craig exits the car his jacket is off, putting his gun on full display, like the secret agent he is! Craig dons his coat and an underling expresses a warm greeting and informs them drinks will be served at 4. (Dr. No anyone?) The greeter says “Just one more thing” prompting a servant replete in white tie and tails to step forward with a silver platter. After a short pause Craig gets it, and places his pistol on the platter saying “Be careful with that, it’s loaded”, so now he’s mindful of firearms safety! But really come on, we’re laying it on a bit thick here aren’t we Sammy?!?! Silver platter?!?! Servant in TAILS!?!? What is this a parody?!?! Did someone pop in Austin Powers 4 when I wasn’t looking?!?!?

Craig is shown his room, (cell) it’s a fancy affair, mink lined with 4 star service, (Dr. No) he looks out over the “base” which consists of various hydrogen tanks, radar dishes and a telescope. (I guess Franz is a star gazer!) Turning back in to the room he spies the ridiculous sepia photo contained in his “guardianship envelope” from the apartment scene, but this one is in good condition revealing the young man whose face was obliterated by the comically placed hole is in fact Oberhauser! Oooh, mysteries abound!

Swann finds an oriental pattern dress waiting for her on her bed. (At this point why not just throw Dr. No in the DVD player and have us watch that movie instead, rather than continue to punish us with these tortured “homages”!) She finds one of the photos from daddy’s bulletin board blown up and framed on one of the shelves. Ugh, this is tiresome!

Craig, who is wearing a dark suit, and Swann, who is wearing a different dress than the one laid out for her, are led past the various hydrogen tanks, telescope and power transformers we saw earlier, to a room where along the way they are told is a special place and are to go alone, but not before they are invited to enjoy some champagne, which Craig declines, I guess Bond isn’t such an alcoholic after all. The two enter the “special place” which is a dark room containing a large meteor. Craig whispers “I think we’re meant to be impressed.” I suppose there’s a joke about the size of his stones in there somewhere! (Sorry couldn’t resist!) Suddenly the disembodied voice of Ober-Blower-Hauser says “Touch it”, “You can touch it if you want”. Whoa, whoa, whoa, I was just kidding about the stones, you can’t make this up!

Ober lisps on, explaining the meteorite was the very one to create the crater they stand in now, he goes on existentially, about the meteor being in space for so long building momentum until it hits earth, that wouldn’t be a heavy handed meteor metaphor would it? It would! As Craig answers back with his own, about how the meteor was stopped, “Right Here!” Ooooh, tough guy space talk! Ober says “I’m so glad to have all of us here together, you too Madeline”. Let me stop you right here Oby, there are only 3 people in this room, all of us together and you too? So two people constitute “all of us”? Are you schizophrenic?

On their way to the next plot point, Ober goes on and on and on about information and how important it is, and states to Craig that he must know by now that the 00 program is officially dead. (Actually Fransy, it was murdered about ten years ago.) So the organization Craig is apparently so desperate to leave has been shut down? I guess that makes this a win-win huh?

Ober asks, or should I say lisps, in a disturbing (And not in the correct way) soft, gentle tone, “SSSSoo, Jamesssss, why did you come?” Craig’s reply is to say “I came here to kill you”, to which Ober retorts, “And I thought you came here to die”. Ugh, I mean, Oh! What great writing! I can see why they needed 4 scribes to pen this Shakespearean masterpiece! They continue on to a room full of monitors and technicians seated before them. Waltz shows Craig a particular monitor in which a live feed displays M addressing the troops for the last time. Craig is physically shaken by this, “Oh no, the man I just met and started working for a scant few years ago is out of a job!” “Now he’ll have to go back to that fat paycheck at Parliament!”

Craig rounds up the plot so far, Ober-Blo-Bro-Hauser is building up a private surveillance system and through his lackey C, is tapping in to the various government intelligence agencies via “9 eyes”. To what end nobody knows, and I suppose at this point nobody cares. Craig asks “I suppose C is one of your disciples?” OB confirms this suspicion, prompting Craig to further ask what he is getting out of it, OB says “Nothing, he is a visionary like me”, Craig replies, wait for it… “Visionaries, our asylums are full of them”, BOOM, pay off, another Dr. No reference!

Waltz goes on and on stating a pattern developed where Craig would interfere in his world and Waltz would destroy his. “Do you think it was a coincidence all the women in your life died?” “Vesper Lynd, she was the big one.” He says as he turns to Swann. Did I miss something? Or did Vesper not commit suicide in that film? Also what other women were there in Craig’s life? Solange? Severine? Agent Fields? Those disposable characters whose names you don’t know until the credits. I wouldn’t call them women in his life. Momma M? That was Craig’s incompetence that killed her. Then he says it, “Me! It wasssss all me Jamesssss, the awtha of aaall ya paaain.” Ick, I can’t hear that dreck without raising a little bile! I also can’t hear that line and the “Kite in a hurricane” one without picturing which ever hack, I mean wordsmith, who penned them sitting back, resting the back of their head in their hands and looking up with a smug, satisfied look upon their face, so proud of those artfully crafted bits of poetry.

Suddenly the screens go black the drones swivel their chairs to face the master, Swann says, “Now I understand what happened to my father.” Waltz replies, “He didn’t go mad, he was just weak.” And so is my stomach! Ugh! Waltz begins the tape from earlier where Mr. White commits suicide, after about 30 seconds, dullard Craig begins to realize what this footage is, “No, no, no, turn this off” he says. He screams “Turn it off” and is knocked to the floor by Waltz’ goons, through all this drama Craig yells at Swann to look at him, which makes this a classic “Sophie’s choice”. Does she continue to look at the horrific footage of her father’s suicide or gaze upon Craig’s hideous face? She does turn, and look upon Craig, with an odd expression on her face, which is confusing, as Craig told her in excruciating detail exactly how her father died, so none of this should have come as a surprise. Is she disappointed in Craig? If so why? He didn’t hold back any information. Does the confirmation of what he said make her trust him more? Again why? If she didn’t trust him thus far why did she go with him to what was supposed to be certain death? Thinking about this is excruciating. Speaking of excruciating…

[Veronica]

All those Dr.No references remind you how that movie(and all the others) did it soooooo much better.
About Austin Powers...I wonder if Sammy is aware there are similarities between that parody and this super-serious,dark,gritty and realistic masterpiece he made.
And he has the cheek to practically say movies before the reboot didn't worth a thing because they were "too light" and "tongue-in-cheek".

[The Saint 007]

All those Dr.No references remind you how that movie(and all the others) did it soooooo much better.

Which is why it frustrates me whenever I see fans claiming how these homages are a grand return of classic cinematic Bond. Weren't people complaining about the homages with Die Another Day? It seems some people are now so desperate for classic Bond that they accept these crappy homages of better Bond films from the past, and why we now get celebration films regardless if it's an anniversary or not.

[Veronica]

All those Dr.No references remind you how that movie(and all the others) did it soooooo much better.

Which is why it frustrates me whenever I see fans claiming how these homages are a grand return of classic cinematic Bond. Weren't people complaining about the homages with Die Another Day? It seems some people are now so desperate for classic Bond that they accept these crappy homages of better Bond films from the past, and why we now get celebration films regardless if it's an anniversary or not.

I get the feeling they made this half-assed homages simply to shut up long-time Bond fans who were complaining about lack of Bond elements ever since the reboot.
On the one side they need to please old Bond fans who miss Bond elements because they are lacking poor excuses why they rebooted the series and on the other they want to please pretentious critics with (pathetic and dismal) character studies...
In the end I am sure EON will once again,just like with DAD,blame the Bond elements for mixed reviews SP got. Not once will they question if turning Blofeld into a brother(laughably unintentional,they copied Austin Powers) was a good idea.

[dirtybenny]

Which is why it frustrates me whenever I see fans claiming how these homages are a grand return of classic cinematic Bond. Weren't people complaining about the homages with Die Another Day? It seems some people are now so desperate for classic Bond that they accept these crappy homages of better Bond films from the past, and why we now get celebration films regardless if it's an anniversary or not.

I get the feeling they made this half-assed homages simply to shut up long-time Bond fans who were complaining about lack of Bond elements ever since the reboot.
On the one side they need to please old Bond fans who miss Bond elements because they are lacking poor excuses why they rebooted the series and on the other they want to please pretentious critics with (pathetic and dismal) character studies...
In the end I am sure EON will once again,just like with DAD,blame the Bond elements for mixed reviews SP got. Not once will they question if turning Blofeld into a brother(laughably unintentional,they copied Austin Powers) was a good idea.

These homages are shoehorned in simply because EON is out of ideas and is creatively bankrupt! They've forgotten, or don't want to remember, how to make proper Bond films anymore, just slap together some melodramatic hogwash and dress it in a bunch of cheap winks, nudges, and "see what we did theres", then call it "Bond".

[Kristatos]

I have mixed feelings about this stuff. It's completely ridiculous, but the ridiculous is what has been sorely missing from Craig's Bond films up to this point. The Rolls-Royce in the desert stuff seems to be going for full-on Prisoner-style surrealism, though.

[Veronica]

Which is why it frustrates me whenever I see fans claiming how these homages are a grand return of classic cinematic Bond. Weren't people complaining about the homages with Die Another Day? It seems some people are now so desperate for classic Bond that they accept these crappy homages of better Bond films from the past, and why we now get celebration films regardless if it's an anniversary or not.

I get the feeling they made this half-assed homages simply to shut up long-time Bond fans who were complaining about lack of Bond elements ever since the reboot.
On the one side they need to please old Bond fans who miss Bond elements because they are lacking poor excuses why they rebooted the series and on the other they want to please pretentious critics with (pathetic and dismal) character studies...
In the end I am sure EON will once again,just like with DAD,blame the Bond elements for mixed reviews SP got. Not once will they question if turning Blofeld into a brother(laughably unintentional,they copied Austin Powers) was a good idea.

These homages are shoehorned in simply because EON is out of ideas and is creatively bankrupt! They've forgotten, or don't want to remember, how to make proper Bond films anymore, just slap together some melodramatic hogwash and dress it in a bunch of cheap winks, nudges, and "see what we did theres", then call it "Bond".

EON struggles with making of films ever since Barbara took the mantle. She doesn't have tenth of her father's knack for making Bond films. While its visible she struggled right from the beggining with the Brosnan films it is glaringly obvious ever since the reboot she has no idea what to do with the franchise. She got stuck after DAD and instead of trying to hire some better writers and a director and get a handle on these films she went with the easier approach of completely turning a new page and throwing away forty years cinematic history all the while pandering to pretentious critics.

[commander0077again]

Since I must be the Last Spy in the World who hasn't seen SPACKTRE, can't comment intelligently or otherwise on it, except for the excerpts I've seen on Youtub .... but must comment on a tangent to the NO-EON films: just on radar, the new Dr. Strange film, release date end of year. Having an interest in art, the graphics of the original comics are outstanding, not to mention the hilarious mystic universe of the good Doctor. Anyway, today got my first look at Benedict Cumberbatch as the title. Well! As far as looks go, he is perfect casting, let me repeat, absolutely perfect casting. Other than finding an unknown, the filmmakers have 1/ found someone who actually looks like Dr. Strange, and have a good actor to boot. Maybe they wanted to find a good actor and he happened to resemble Dr. Strange, but that would be highly coincidental. It appears that the filmmakers were smart from the start: let's get someone who actually physically resembles the character, duh 2/ the Strange one's attire also is dead on with the original character, high collared red cape, amulet, dark blue tunic. From these two critical choices, the filmmakers show the importance of remaining true to the original character. Now, they may flub on the rest of the film, but at the least they haven't flubbed on the title character. Which, of course, brings us back to the very strange casting of 'Bond' (he said ironically) from NO-EON. I hope tonight Babs has seen the photos of Cumberbatch / Strange, and maybe something will click in her auteur (he again said ironically) brain, 'Oh, is that how it's done?' Yes, thank you DS producers, for not making the Doctor a blond, big eared, sponge Bob. Apologies for using DBIII's Rant page! But am hopeful that you understand my rantiness, the thorn in the side that is DC = Bond, a non equation.

[dirtybenny]

Special Feature Rant: The Spectre Introspection: part 13: “I thought watching one of your movies was torture enough” or “Brother where art thou” or “Cain and Able brothers in espionage” “Bond Civil War, Brother against Brother” (I could go on all day but I’ll spare you)

If you recall, Craig was knocked unconscious at the end of the last scene. Cut to a bright light, a bright pink shape begins to come in to focus. Is that a ham? Three pounds of pastrami? A raw rump roast? No, it’s Craig’s face, in a rip off of the scene in CR where Craig regains consciousness in the very same way. Craig finds himself strapped to what appears to be a dentist’s chair with a Persian cat on his lap, FOOOORRRRRESHAAAAADDOOOOOWWING!!!!! Apparently the torture chair is kept in Mr. Whisker’s rumpus room.

Waltz seated on a dental hygienist’s chair, in front of a rolling laptop desk, wearing sockless loafers like Sonny Crockett, says he is “Going to get inside Craig’s head”. I say why bother, I’ll save you the trouble, all you’ll find is self-loathing, bad manners, and repressed homosexuality. Ober-Waltz-Blo-Bro-Hauser states, “This first probe will play with your sight, your, hearing, and your balance.” I’m going to cut to the chase here and say remarkably, it does none of those things. Why is that remarkable because the “probe” is a d**n 1/8 inch drill bit and it drills directly in to his head 3 inches deep! Before Waltz goes all drill baby drill, Craig tells him to “Get on with it, nothing can be as painful as listening to you talk.” You are absolutely right Mr. Craig! Except perhaps watching this movie!

Let me pump the brakes here, Waltz drills through Craig’s head not once. but as we’ll see TWICE! Waltz also makes all sorts of statements as to what bodily functions will be affected/destroyed by these incursions to Craig’s brain. However none of these things occur! Say all you want about the unreality of the “Classic Bond Era”, where Bond can go through hell and come out the other side fresh as a daisy. Well they never had holes drilled in their head! In the old days Bond would be threatened by a sinister device but use his cunning to escape, the level of suspense in the lead up is the point of the scene, you know he’ll get away but how. Once again Mendes misses the point, there is no suspense here, just jam it on in, but hey its OK cuz there’s no harm done! If Mendes had directed Craig in GF the laser would have just zipped up Craig’s crotch to his navel, then he would spryly skip off the table, dust of the singed bits of his trousers, and go on about his business.

After the drill is removed without permanent effect, Swann asks, “Why are you doing this?” Waltz replies, “Perhaps you know, Jamessss lost his parents at an early age”. Oh brother (quite literally) here we go! He continues, “It was my father who helped him through this difficult time.” After a long pause, “Over the course of TWO WINTERS he taught him how to ski, climb, and hunt.” (So worst case he spent 15 months with you, best case two 3 month visits, just checking.) “He soothed the wounds of the poor blue eyed little orphan.” “He asked me to treat him as a brother, (Says with disgust) my little brother.” (That Asshole!) “They formed quite an attachment.” Craig chimes in from across the room in the torture chair, where he just had his brains drilled through, “You killed him!” “Yessss, I did.” Waltz replied I half expected him to say “No s**t Sherlock”; they’ve only been dragging the audience along by the nose to this very conclusion since the beginning! Waltz continues, “Do you know what happens when a cuckoo hatches inside another bird’s nest?” It makes the world’s shittiest Bond film? Oh, apparently it forces the other eggs out. What is this, an episode of wild kingdom?! So that’s where that corny cuckoo line came from two bloody hours ago. How timely! Waltz goes on, “Well this cuckoo made me realize my father’s life had to end, and is responsible for the path my life has had to take, so thank you cuuckooo!”

Sooooo, that’s it? Craig spent at a maximum a year and a half with the Oberhausers and he drove Jr. to kill Sr.? No explanation of how Craig stole Franz’ prom date, or seduced his mother, or killed his goldfish? Just he showed up, daddy liked him, must kill daddy and found an international criminal organization?! Not even daddy loved you more, just daddy liked you period! “If I can’t have daddy all to myself nobody can! WHAAAAAAAAAAA!” I mean if that’s the case, why not just kill Craig! For crying out loud, Dr. Evil had an immensely more plausible and entertaining backstory!

Look, if you’re going to piss all over Fleming’s work with this dreadful family drama B.S. the least you could do is make it dramatic! I mean give me a reason! It’s all so tacked on like everything else in this crap movie, there is no way it needed to happen, especially since EON was handed a gift in the form of the Sony hacks! Everywhere I turned the Brofeld angle was met with a deafening “Meh!” Nobody liked it and fortunately the leak happened with more than enough time to fix it, especially when you consider they were still rewriting the d**n script at the eleventh hour! But of course EON can’t let an opportunity to remind us Bond was an orphan, or to drag some convoluted familial aspect in to the storyline go to waste! I have a theory about all this, concerning Babzy and the transcripts from her psychiatric therapy sessions, but that’s for another time.

Craig says, “Do you know any other birdcalls Franz?” Prompting Mr. Wiskers to jump back up on to Craig’s lap, Craig whispers “Hello Pussy”, why? Nobody knows. Franzy rushes up to Craig and says, “Franz Oberhauser died 20 years ago in an avalanche beside his father; my name is Earnst Stavro Blofeld!” The line delivered in one of those ominous echoes, lands with a thud. In no way were we leading up to a mysterious stranger named Blofeld, that name has no significance to anyone or anything in this movie other than we, the audience are supposed to know who he is, and since most Craig fans are twenty-somethings who’ve never heard of some bloke named Ian Fleming or some geezer called Blofeld, it has no significance to them either.

Let me back up here just a bit. Brofeld, I can safely call him that now, stated his true identity, along with his father, died 20 years ago, that would be in 1995. That would make Craig roughly 27 years old at the time. He spent 2 winters with the Oberhausers before they “died”, 27 is hardly the wide eyed little waif of an orphan depicted in that goofy photo! Nor is it an age where you go to live with a guardian after your parents pass. You can’t try to mend this by saying Franz killed his father sometime after Craig’s departure, because his motive falls completely apart! “Daddy!” “You were kind to that kid 15 years ago, and I’m still jealous!” “Now you must die, a decade and a half later!” I mean sure there’s crazy but then there’s ridiculous!

By the way wasn’t it eluded to that Craig lived with Alfred, I mean Kincaid at Bond Manor after his parents passed, even if it wasn’t, why did he end up getting shipped off to some Bavarian benefactor? The world will never know, at least that is until “Bond 25” “You Only Live with Your Adoptive Parents Twice”.

Big Bro states the next drill will destroy Craig’s ability to recognize people, he won’t know who Swann is after this, and she’ll be “Just another passing face on his way to the grave.” Yeah, that’s precisely what she is now. He just met her a few days ago, until yesterday they couldn’t stand each other. Now she’s his soulmate? It would be a crime against nature if he forgot who she is? No, just more melodramatic grist for the mill.

Bro continues, “He dies not knowing who you are.” Who cares! He’ll be just as dead as if he did! “A shame, the daughter of an assassin, you’re the only person who could have understood him.” Huh? Is that why spoiler alert, he quits MI6 for the third time at the end, because she understands him, if he plans on quitting the service he could get along with the daughter of a gardener just as well! Come to think of it, a psychiatrist, whose father was a hitman, and she gets crazy when she drinks, she’s the Craig era’s wet dream!

The drill begins its task, attacking his memory receptors, through all it, Crag manages to remove his watch; you know the one with the “loud” alarm. As the bit is removed Swann rushes over to ensure her most recent weeklong fling can still recognize her. She caresses his wet leathery head, and says “I love you.” So soon? My, my, she moves fast! As I just pointed out this is absolutely ridiculous! Craig slowly opens his eyes as Bro asks, “Do those blue eyes still recognize you?” Craig’s response, “I’d recognize you anywhere”, ugh!

Craig further whispers, “The watch”, as he sets the timer and hands it off to Swann. “One minute”, he whispers, “One minute”, I guess SPECTRE agents have exploding watches in their arsenal too, as she seems to know just what he’s getting at. As she backs away, the drills prepare to gouge in to Craig’s eyes. Craig whispers “Tempus Fuget”. Bro asks, “Did you say something” Craig repeats it, before further saying “Doesn’t time fly”, prompting Swann to slide the watch under Bro’s chair, exploding, and blowing him back across the room.

The explosion destroys the torture control panel, causing Craig’s restraints to fly open, freeing him. Maybe it’s just me but having your restraints fail in the open position seems like a bit of a design flaw. I mean prisons don’t design their cell doors to pop open when power is lost. It seems a bit dangerous to have an enemy strapped to your torture chair when any little power surge could potentially set them free, a very real possibility when you consider this is all going on in a desolate desert location that produces its own power.

Craig now free, spryly gets to his feet, caresses Swann’s face then charges head long down a hallway, in to the door leading out, which a guard was conveniently about to open, the force of Craig’s impact sends the man flying, allowing Craig to pick up his rifle. Need I remind you this man just had two, count them two holes drilled in to his head?!

Craig quickly dispatches two more guards in the yard with the rifle and makes his way across the desert terrain, shooting over his shoulder at three more guards who appear several hundred feet away; of course Craig kills one of them! Through the gun fire, several of the various pipes and tanks around Craig and Swann are hit by enemy gunfire. Craig picks up a new weapon and takes cover in a doorway while several more guards advance; he pops out and instantly kills two more. Through all this he has time to take a longing look at Swann, then pop out of cover shooting one of the pipes they just passed, you know the ones which were riddled by the guard’s gunfire, except when Craig does it the pipe bursts in to flame cutting off the enemy advance! Suddenly a gate in a WIRE fence opens where a guard is standing, a guard who had perfect position on Craig, and could have killed him easily if he understood that his bullets can travel through the holes between the wires in the fence. Craig kills him easily! A quad cycle pulls up two more baddies jump off; Craig wielding the rifle one handed blows them away as well! Two more are coming down the stairs from the helipad; Craig extends the butt stock of the gun (See realism!) so he can expertly take aim and take them out! This whole sequence comes off as some bad video game, placed on the super easy setting, especially the gate bit, where once the player proceeds to the next battle field, more enemies spawn. The duo stroll, yes I said stroll and I mean stroll, because that is precisely what they do, up the stairs to the waiting helicopter, where Craig turns to Swann and breathlessly says, “Let’s go home”, just as… Wait for it… the whole d**n base blows up! What the hell! Well at least that’s over! Now I can switch this thing off and… Craig to Swann: “It’s not over yet!” Oh bloody hell!...

[Veronica]

I know what happens when cuckoo hatches inside another bird's nest! The result is the most dismal and vomiting movie ever! And I do mean EVER!

"My daddy liked this boy more ohh he even took him fishing and he didn't take me and I always wanted to fish! BOOHOOO,that's why I had to kill him and created a powerful criminal organisation,I threatened with atomic bombs so I could get money,I wanted to provoke world war,I wanted to create a biological disaster and all this because my father went fishing with other boy and not me." To say all this was only dismal would be an understatement,a new word has to be made up to describe this atrocity. Think about a way Mendes does this "serious" "character driven" movie. He borrows a plot from Austin Powers! I doubt it was intentional but it surely is laughable...

[commander0077again]

God Almighty, God Almighty, does SPLACKTRE actually have a scene where 'James' gets his 1/ head drilled and 2/ with no effects, not even a mild headache! Oh, it's torture enough to hear that, don't know if I'll be able to take it visually.

[The Saint 007]

God Almighty, God Almighty, does SPLACKTRE actually have a scene where 'James' gets his 1/ head drilled and 2/ with no effects, not even a mild headache! Oh, it's torture enough to hear that, don't know if I'll be able to take it visually.

Yes, Craig Bond gets drilled twice in the head, and afterwards gets up and starts blasting away at the baddies like nothing ever happened. And his fans are always going on about how the other Bonds are so perfect and unrealistic.

The escape from Blofeld's lair in Spectre is one of the worst in the series, in my opinion, when it comes to the grand finals of Bond escaping the villains lair. Craig and Swann are out in the open through most of the scene, and yet none of the guards can hit them. Craig just shoots them all as if he was, to quote Honest Trailers, playing GoldenEye 64 on Agent difficulty. Perhaps that's a bit of an insult to GoldenEye 64, though, for running around in the open and being overly careless, even on the easiest difficulty (Agent mode), can still get you into trouble at times.

[bjmdds]

Plain and simple, it was the MOST far-fetched Bond plot EVER and it was an embarrassment to EON

[dirtybenny]

Special Feature Rant: The Spectre Introspection: part 14: “Isn’t This Bloody Thing Done Yet!”


Establishing shot of London at night, I know its London as I can see the London Eye, the river Thames with its iconic bridges, and especially because I can see Westminster complete with Big Ben, also because once again “London” is plastered across the bottom of the screen!

Cut to a door with a brass plaque that reads “Hildebrand, Prints and Rarities”, wow I guess someone at EON did crack a Fleming work at some point, or at least searched Wikipedia for a list of Fleming’s short stories. Enter M and the rest of the IMF team, Q and Tanner. Q says “I’ve never even heard of Hildebrand”, (Yeah neither had the command staff at EON, till some researcher told them) M replies, “That’s the general idea with safe houses”, now that we have the scene set lets continue. They go through several rooms then up to the roof, where Craig and Swann are waiting. Craig recaps the story so far to M, also stating the head of SPECTRE, Ernst Stavro Blofeld is dead. So you’re honoring this mad man’s last wishes and referring to him by his new name? You knew this man for years as Oberhauser, you referred to him as Oberhauser to everyone at MI6 whom you spoke to about him, no one had ever head of Blofeld, YOU never heard of Blofeld till you “killed” him, but now you’re changing it up? Anyway, Craig and M make plans to have a “quiet word” with C while Q hacks the Nine Eyes system. Then make their way to the street.

On the street Swann says “James, I can’t”, Craig confused asks, “You can’t, stay here?” She replies, “No, I can’t go back to this life, and I can’t ask you to change” Ugh, this again! You two just professed your undying love for one another in the last scene and now this is a problem again?! How bout we discuss this tomorrow after we’ve had a good night’s sleep? No we must apparently settle this now! She walks off, Craig gets in the car with M and they drive off. Craig broods in the passenger seat next to M, while Q starts a countdown timer in the following car, showing just over 30 minutes until Nine Eyes goes online, and then I guess can’t be dismantled?

M and Craig in the lead car make their way down a tunnel where surprise they’re ambushed! I won’t bother asking how anyone knew where they were, where they were going, or how they were going to get there, since Mendes didn’t bother answering them. Craig and M are knocked unconscious in the impact; two thugs grab Craig and place a bag over his head, which unintentionally makes Craig look his best in years! While the two thugs place an unconscious, non-struggling Craig in the back of a black armored car the other three Neolithicly incompetent goons stand around with their backs turned, allowing M to disappear, like Houdini! Tanner, Q, and MP turn the corner to the entrance of the tunnel a good two minutes after M and Craig, despite being directly behind them a moment before. The goons spot them and open fire striking the front of their vehicle including the front glass, I know this because they included special effects illustrating this, no damage is done so I assume they are driving an armored SUV, but as they run anyway, they turn exposing the side of the car, where a bullet shatters Q’s passenger window, I guess that one wasn’t armored!

Cut to M, a block away skulking off, cell phone in hand, I assume calling the three amigos. Cut to the black armored car which Craig was thrown in to, now on the road. Cut to interior of truck where Craig’s hands are zip tied. Back to M who climbs some stairs to street level and meets back up with the team. M enters through the same vehicle door which had the window shot out, and when I say shot out I mean shattered, but it is now intact with a simple bullet hole in the corner!

Back to Craig’s ride which has reached its destination. One man opens the rear door; the two men who rode with Craig manhandle him out of the truck and on to the street where despite having a bag on his head and hands tied, dispatches the two men with his bare hands, the third man’s whereabouts? Does it matter; he’s gone, because we said so! Craig breaks the ties with incredible ease, (Between M’s disappearing act and this scene one must assume the writers just came back from a magic show right before penning this sequence) he removes the hood to find, wait for it… he’s standing in front of old MI6 headquarters! (Old, or because these are prequels, would it be new? I can keep it straight anymore!) Craig goes inside.

The place is torn up; remember it’s slated for demolition! He looks up to see a large hole all the way through the floors to the night sky! At the bottom of these holes a net, for some ungodly reason. Further in he finds a memorial wall containing the names of agents who lost their lives in service to MI6, and here all along I thought they got anonymous stars! At the bottom scrawled in red spray paint is James Bond! Ugh, it smacks of Silva in SF, who smacks of the Joker. (By the way I guess they had time to chisel Craig’s name off, sometime between his return from the dead AFTER the building was bombed at the beginning of SF, necessitating its destruction, and now.) An arrow points the way left.

As Craig makes his way deeper in to the labyrinth, we cut to the new center for intelligence C built. C rushes in to his office sits down and finds M seated in a darkened corner. (CR anyone?) The two share some boring dialogue in which they further recount the story to this point.

Back to Craig in the bowels of old MI6, making his way past all the explosives, and down to the basement marina, where half a dozen, fully kitted out, military boats are tied up, did I mention this place is slated for demolition?

Back to the battle of the initials, where more stilted dialogue goes back and forth, C justifying the ends, M vilifying the means. C finally calls M a moron and says, “That’s what M stands for, moron.” As he raises a gun he had secreted in his desk. C pulls the trigger and “Click” nothing. M produces a handful of bullets and says, “Now we know what C stands for” oooh burn! “Careless.” wah-wah. (Another wink to the exact same scene in CR, I’d say it’s the producers who are “careless”)

Back to Craig who is making his way through the old firing range. The lights kick on, (The power’s turned on, I thought this place was about to be demolished?) and targets turn with Craig’s face superimposed on the target, in what is eerily similar to SF’s opening credits.

Back to Q who has less than 6 minutes until Nine Eyes goes live! OMG, I can’t bear it!

Back to Craig, who is now going through the shower room (?) where pictures of Le Chiffre, Silva, Mr. White, Vesper, and M have been posted. (Notice I didn’t mention any characters from QOS.) Craig rounds the corner to find Bro standing down the hall, he fires, but Bro is behind bullet proof glass, the chips of which forms that goofy octopus from the teaser poster. (Reminds me a bit too much of the scene in TWINE where Renaud escapes the silo in the bullet proof elevator.) Craig approaches and states, “You’re a hard man to kill Blofeld.” So it’s officially Blofeld now is it Craig? You personally knew this man for the better part of 15 months, (Though the producers would have us imagine it was longer) you spoke to him on a first name basis at his base remember? “Franz.” I’d think you’d call him anything but his self-appointed moniker just to piss him off!

Bro turns to reveal the Donald Pleasance YOLT scar on his right cheek! Craig says, “Ouch, I do hope that didn’t hurt.” So you’re taking pleasure in his pain, but again I point out, you’re using the name he wants to be called! Bro replies, “My wounds will heal, how about yours? Look around you, your world is in ruins.” Wow deep! Craig asks, “Why are we here?” (Isn’t it obvious Dan? To desecrate a once great franchise, burn down whatever semblance of legitimacy remained and urinate on the ashes!) Craig further asks, “Did you miss me.” Bro lisps back, “Nooo, but I know sssssomeone who does.” as he breathes on the glass and draws a heart. What symbolism, literally! Craig asks, “Where is she?” “That’s for you to find out.” Bro retorts.

Bro sets a timer for wait for it… 3 minutes! The same 3 minutes from GE! Long story short Craig is left with a classic “Sophie’s Choice” which Bro describes as “Die trying to save her”, or “Run and live with the shame of abandoning her.” Bro giggles, “That’s brothers for you, they always know what buttons to push.” Which he says as he presses the destruct button, oh pun intended! Craig sprints off trying to find Swann.

Back to Q who’s working to crack the Nine Eyes code, over to Brofeld who’s boarding a helicopter, back to M and C who share more expositional words about “mattering” when Brofeld’s helicopter rushes past the window, startling M and giving C a chance to grab M’s gun. A struggle ensues and a window is shot out. The gun goes off again, shattering a skylight and as tiny bits of safety glass fall on them both flinch and flail like little girls who’ve seen a spider. M keeps the gun and C stumbles off the ledge to his doom, it’s all so tacked on, it just comes off in such a “because we said so” fashion.

Back to Craig who’s running through the condemned building, rigged for demolition, but oddly still has furniture strewed about, as well as, is that a vacuum cleaner I spy in the background? Craig makes his way to Momma M’s old office, (Because why not?) where he hears Swann’s muffled screams which, maybe I’m starting to read too much in to this, but sound like Vesper’s same screams from the CR torture scene. He finds her in a well preserved closet humorously tied in a web of Det-cord, Craig just so happens to have a knife to cut it because the goons who kidnaped him apparently didn’t bother to search him!

With 45 seconds remaining, we know this because there are timers ridiculously placed about the building, Craig grabs Swann and asks, “Do you trust me?” she replies “Do I have a choice?” Craig retorts, “No” and jumps down the hole we saw earlier, down a dozen stories to the inexplicably placed net in the lobby which of course catches them, just before it breaks depositing them on the ground without injury! They run off camera as the timer runs out and the building explodes collapsing to its foundations! Is this the end of our loving couple?! No! As they come racing out in one of the boats left behind in the subterranean harbor, (Talk about government waste!) just as the edifice crashes in to the Thames. Craig and Swann Chase the copter down the river, where Craig takes pot shots with his PISTOL! So Craig is in a boat bobbing up and down on the waves, firing unsupported with a pistol at a helicopter which is a hundred feet above him and moving about in its own right! To make matters worse Craig runs out of ammo in the full sized pistol he was shooting and switches to his PPK! The largest caliber the PPK is chambered in is .380. Many ballistic experts doubt the .380 is much of a man stopper at close range, let alone an anti-aircraft gun at great distance!

Brofeld’s chopper is taking fire from the water, what do they do? Take evasive action? Fly away from the river? No silly, they continue on a straight and level track! Craig takes steely eyed aim and impossibly punctures the chopper’s engine with his pea shooter, sending the craft careening through the sky before crashing on a bridge. The pilot and Bro’s companion are dead or knocked cold, but Bro is just fine, he attempts to escape the smoldering wreckage by KICKING the door, while sirens wail as first responders arrive, their first move? Check the wreckage for survivors? Put out the flames on the burning bridge? Move in to arrest the terrorists? No, why of course you put up caution tape! M arrives and recklessly pushes past the tape; Craig pulls up simultaneously and rushes to the crash. Bro is ingloriously crawling on his belly (Wasn’t he just kicking the copter doors a second ago?) in a preposterous attempt to escape, although if all the cops plan to do is put up caution tape maybe he could just pull it off! M and Craig converge on the wounded man. M approaches some SWAT guys who tell him it’s a secure terrorist situation. M replies “Malory 00 section, stand down.” And they do! No credentials, No call to confirm who this bloke is, just “Malory 00” and it’s all good! First how did the cops know this was a terrorist? All they should know at this early hour is this is a helicopter crash, second for all they know M could just be some random dude off the street, maybe even a compatriot of the suspect, but no need to check I’m sure he is who he says he is, we’ll just go back to standing around and putting up tape!

Craig approaches Bro, points his gun at him, in full view of the entire city and stares at him. Meanwhile M arrives from one side of the bridge while Swann, who was somehow allowed on the bridge arrives on the other. (I guess she met some even more incompetent SWAT guy and just said “Hey that’s my man out there” and was let through.) Bro with a smile on his face says, “Finish it.” Craig continues to stare, then finally drops the magazine from the gun and racks the round out of the chamber, then quips “Out of bullets.” Wah-wah! He glances at Swann and finishes with, “And besides I’ve got something better to do.” Yeah not to mention the pardon my French, “s**t storm” that would have erupted if he just executed a man on a crowded street with scores of witnesses around! Craig ambles off toward Swann and signifies his resignation by tossing his pistol off the bridge ala Dirty Harry. He meets up with Swann and the two embrace while Bro watches, the hate smoldering in his eye, guess where this is going in the next film! M finally decides someone needs to do some police work around here and places Bro under arrest, while the love birds shamble off together locked in each other’s arms. Fade to black, ok finally! It’s over! Let’s get out of… Oh.

Several shots of the quiet streets of London at sunrise, then to Q’s workshop where the Quartermaster is hard at work. The elevator fires up and the familiar opening bars of the Bond theme start in, the doors open on Craig, he saunters in, Q asks, “Bond, What are you doing here?” and rightfully so as we are meant to believe he quit, right. Wasn’t it supposed to be the job or the girl? That final “dramatic” scene was supposed to cement that. Q follows up, “I’d thought you’d gone.” Craig replies “I have.” “There’s just one thing I need.” (So he did quit!) Cut to a hand turning the ignition on a classic car, pan back and we find Craig and Swann in the DB5, they pull off to full “Bond Theme” crescendo, aaaaaand credits.

So he quit, there’s no denying that, he admitted it himself, plus Swann seated next to him confirms it. So H.M. Government is going to give away a million pound car which by the way, has been fitted with half a dozen lethal gadgets, to an ex-employee? He has no right to that car! What the bloody hell? Also ironically or perhaps not so, the first time they actually play the Bond theme in an actual movie and not just the closing credits, is after he quits and is making his final exit!

The End… Not quite the end Dirty Benny will return in “SPECTRE Introspection: Epilogue”