James Bond, licensed to bore

[Blowfeld]

Culture
Film
James Bond

James Bond, licensed to bore

Sam Mendes is to direct the new Bond film, Skyfall, and is rumoured to be planning drastic cuts to the action sequences, concentrating on 'character' and 'motivation' instead. John Crace saw an early shooting script



John Crace
As seen by John Crace
The Guardian, Wednesday 26 October 2011

James Bond to be a changed character?

Title sequence: It's raining. Bond walks slowly along a desolate coastal path. The camera pans to show Blofeld walking slowly in the same direction 100 metres ahead of Bond. They don't meet. A gunshot doesn't ring out.

Cut to … M's Office

M: How was Suffolk, Bond? Invigorating, I hope.

Bond: Not really, M. I couldn't shake off ...

M: Your tail?

Bond: No. This overwhelming sense of existential ennui.

M: Tell me about it. Can you imagine what it's like to be just known as a letter of the alphabet? I'm a person, 007.

Long pause. They turn towards the window as a pigeon flies past.

Bond: What's happened to us, M? Where's the carefree James that used to run around blowing up villains and having casual sex? I look in the mirror and see a man in his mid-30s, but inside I feel about 80. I can't carry on like this.

M: Pull yourself together, Bond. Spectre has threatened to unleash a virus that paralyses the global banking system. Only you can save us.

Cut to … A remote hideaway in northern Sweden. It's snowing heavily. Blofeld is sitting in the corner of an empty room, stroking a cat.

Blofeld: Why?

An avalanche sweeps through the forest to leave only a crucifix standing.

Blofeld: (louder) Why?

Cat: Why what?

Blofeld: Why do I always come up with these ludicrous plans that I know Bond will thwart? What is it about me that I can't accept?

Cut to … A semi-detached house in Blackburn. The curtains are drawn but the traffic noise is still audible.

Pussy: Well hello, James!

Bond: I can't go on calling you Pussy. Objectifying you demeans us both. Can't we just sit and talk instead of exchanging sexual innuendo. You see, I've realised Kitty, that is your real name isn't it?, that shooting guns and sleeping with women is just my way of trying to compensate for having a tiny c**k.

Cut to … A deserted cabin on the Kamchatka peninsula. A single light flickers.

Blofeld: (sobbing as he presses the button) Why?

Cut to … M's Office.

M: Brilliant, 007. Doing nothing ensured the EU could paralyse the banking system before Spectre could get to it. Blofeld's lost again.

Bond: We're all lost.

Cut to … It's raining. Bond walks slowly along a desolate coastal path. The camera pans to show Blofeld walking slowly in the same direction 100 metres ahead of Bond. They don't meet. A gunshot doesn't ring out.

[Kristatos]

Funny and horribly plausible at the same time. This is why it's imperative that everyone here goes to see Johnny English Reborn at least once. The more money it makes, the more it sends out a signal that there is a market for a spy flick that has no pretensions towards being anything more than a fun night out at the movies.

[Capt. Sir Dominic Flandry]

I wish these people would have taken the piss out of Casino Royale instead of saying it was one of the greatest movies ever made. We could have nipped the Craig as serious Bond in the bud early.

[Kristatos]

I wish these people would have taken the piss out of Casino Royale instead of saying it was one of the greatest movies ever made. We could have nipped the Craig as serious Bond in the bud early.

We here were ahead of the game. There's been a steady trickle of articles in this vein, taking the piss out of his pretentious take on Bond, practically since CR came out, and most of us predicted that the trickle would one day become a flood. It's too early to say whether this one marks the tipping point or whether it's just another part of the trickle, but the fact that it appears in a major national newspaper (rather than an obscure blog like the earliest examples) is a good sign, as journalists tend to hunt in packs, and this could be the signal that it's time for them to turn on Danielle the way they turned on Pierce and Tim and Roger.

[bondoholic]

Funny and horribly plausible at the same time. This is why it's imperative that everyone here goes to see Johnny English Reborn at least once. The more money it makes, the more it sends out a signal that there is a market for a spy flick that has no pretensions towards being anything more than a fun night out at the movies.

I find Johny English nothing but a cynical money making scheme. I'm still waiting for the real thing.

[commander0077again]

Exellent stuff, Blowfeld!

But remember with Craig in the part, it would be Twice as sad and plausible.

Seacape with Irregular Figures

James Bond, his usual hangdog face poignant and ephemeral, smoked three dozen cigarettes encircled with the one pink ring. He ignored the exciting girls glistening on the beach at Royale, he ignored the pretty girl wandering into the surf with an already-wet gown by Chival, obviously intent on drowning herself. Bond had better things to do. He shook his overly muscled shoulders, courtesy of Red Grant Gyms, Santa Monica. What the hell was that red flash from M about? A group of renegade NASA scientists with some daff plan on attracting an asteroid, unless the PM paid, from his own account the sum of one trillion trillion pounds? Hmp, and the old girl expected him to get off his rock hard buttocks, and actually board a plane to the new Chinese riviera where there awaiting a beautiful girl in a succession of five hotel rooms? Bond needed to finish his treatise on Goethe, for one thing. And then that painting class on the greyness of everyday life, where unseemly actors were given parts that had little resemblance to the creator's original vision. And what about this Bleuchamp fellow? Doesn't fit the mold as a villain. Bond needed a less colourful nemesis to match his colourless life. Bond sighed thankfully. No more bullets! No more explosions! And even better, no more wrenching off doorknobs with his bare, taut wrinkled hands.

Hm! Would that girl in the surf get on with it and stay under, God Almighty! God Almighty! It was just his luck, he thought thickly, just when he was about to get on with his five hour meditation, Teresa di (oh save me) Vicenzo had to pull this stunt. Well, it would be the final stunt of Bond's new introspective life. He would pick up the chilled glass if it wasn't so much of a strain.

[shaken not stirred]

Finally someone's saying what I've been saying for a longtime (title of article), glad to hear there on our side.

[Kristatos]

I find Johny English nothing but a cynical money making scheme.

Why, because it actually looks set to make a profit, unlike QOS? You must love the Babs approach, then.

[carl stromberg]

Johnny English is a bit of fun!

[Dr. No]

Loved the first Johnny English.

Funny story sad but they might do it.

[Kristatos]

Funny story sad but they might do it.

When even the Guardian extracts the urine out of you for being to pretentious, you're in big trouble.

[Sir Smyth]

Character and motivation.

Okay, I'm fleshing out a script.....

Bond's eyes snap open, his chiseled six-pack launching him into a sitting position, sweat beading his brow. White hot needle pain pierces his corneas, the hangovers have been worse since he dropped the shaken, not stirred Martinis in favor of those damned Vespers.

He stumbles to the loo, and eyes himself in the mirror, sullen. "When did I decide that blonde was a good idea? When did I decide it was acceptable to be browbeaten by a woman who could be my grandmother? In fact, how did I miss the ethnic background and gender of everyone I ever knew flipping inexplicably, to foster a sense of workplace diversity?"

"Why am I waking up alone? I should be having this conversation with an exotic woman, one that I bedded based on my charm alone. I could have made her go bats**t crazy with my vibrating Rolex, if we still had a Q Branch. Now field issue is a polymer Walther and a defibrilator. At least I still have my Jason Bourne hand to hand skills, oh, wait, less action."

Bond considers punching the mirror, but that would be too action oriented. He opens the medicine cabinent, and withdraws a bottle of "Just for Men" hair dye, in deep chestnut. As he waits the obligatory 20 minutes for it to take, he goes deep to the back of the closet, and pulls out a classic Turnbull and Asser shirt. He bust the cap on a Bollingers, and heads to the garage, removing the tarp from the Aston Martin. He drinks and drives, and arrives at his destination.

M is grumbling as she pulls a frumpy robe on and answers the doorbell. Bond plants an open mouthed kiss on her, and pushes the button on the Oyster Perpetual, starting it's vibrating feature. M's eyes widen in shock and delight.....

[MichaelZWilliamson]

Johnny English was awful. Atkinson used to be funny.