THE 007 HENCHMAN SOCIETYA smoky underground lounge.
Oddjob polishing his hat.
Jaws sipping from a comically tiny teacup.
Dario sharpening a knife for no reason.
Necros brooding in a corner with his Walkman.
Then the door creaks open.
In walks a scrawny 14‑year‑old in a villain uniform two sizes too big.
He clears his throat.
“Hello. I’m the new member.”
Every adult henchman freezes.
And then, from the back of the room…
WintStraightens his bow tie.
Smiles politely.
Leans toward Kidd and whispers:
“Mr. Kidd… is this… appropriate?”
KiddTilts his head, studying the boy like he’s an oddly shaped museum exhibit.
Softly, with that eerie calm:
“Most irregular, Mr. Wint. Most irregular indeed.”
OddjobTilts his head like a confused dog.
This kid is shorter than his hat.
JawsStops mid‑sip.
Teacup shatters in his hand.
DarioWhispers, “Is this a joke?”
Looks around for hidden cameras.
NecrosPauses his Walkman.
Stares like he’s trying to calculate the ethics of this.
GobindaActually takes a step back.
He’s fought Bond on top of a plane, but this is too weird.
Nick NackThe only one who tries to make sense of it.
He squints, leans forward, and in that perfect Hervé Villechaize tone says:
“Er… are you really a midget like me?”
The kid, indignant:
“No! I’m fourteen!”
Nick Nack blinks.
“…Oh.”
Wint & Kidd’s reaction to THATWint’s smile freezes.
Kidd’s eyes widen just a fraction.
Then, in perfect unison:
“Oh my.”
They both take a synchronized step backward, as if the mere concept of a teenage henchman violates some unspoken professional code.
The entire room recoils like someone just detonated a moral grenade.
The kid stands there, nervous but trying to look tough.
The henchmen exchange glances.
No one wants to go first.
Finally…
OddjobHe steps forward, gives a curt bow, and taps the brim of his steel‑rimmed hat.
Oddjob: “…”
(He never speaks.)
Oddjob’s inner thoughts:
Is this real? Did Goldfinger hire a child? Am I supposed to train him? Does he get a hat? Dear God, please don’t let him get a hat.
JawsHe offers a giant handshake. The kid’s hand disappears inside it.
Jaws: “Hrrrnn.”
(A friendly growl.)
Jaws’ inner thoughts:
If I shake too hard, I’ll snap him in half. If I shake too soft, he’ll think I’m weak. Why is this happening. Why is he so small. Why is this my life.
Nick NackHe steps forward, still squinting at the kid like he’s trying to solve a riddle.
Nick Nack: “Er… I’m Nick Nack. I… suppose we’re the same height?”
Nick Nack’s inner thoughts:
Please say yes. Please say yes. I need this win. Oh no, he’s fourteen. This is worse than the time Scaramanga made me polish the golden gun.
DarioHe leans against a table, flipping a knife casually.
Dario: “I’m Dario. I… do things.”
Dario’s inner thoughts:
If this kid asks to see my knife, I’m leaving. I’m not babysitting. I didn’t sign up for this. I’m a sadist, not a camp counselor.
NecrosHe pauses his Walkman and nods politely.
Necros: “I am Necros.”
Necros’ inner thoughts:
He looks like he should be doing homework. Why is he here. Why is he not afraid. Why is everyone pretending this is normal.
GobindaHe folds his arms, towering over the kid.
Gobinda: “I am Gobinda.”
Gobinda’s inner thoughts:
If he asks me to help with his school project, I’m throwing myself off the nearest plane.
Wint & KiddThey approach together, smiling with unsettling politeness.
Wint: “Mr. Wint. A pleasure.”
Kidd: “Mr. Kidd. Quite the surprise.”
Wint’s inner thoughts:
Is this a KAOS intern exchange program? Did Blofeld approve this? Is this a prank?
Kidd’s inner thoughts:
If he calls us ‘sir,’ I might faint. If he calls us ‘dudes,’ I might scream.
The KidTrying desperately to sound intimidating:
Kid: “I’m ready for anything. I can fight Bond too.”
Every henchman freezes.
Collective inner thoughts:
Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Someone tell him. Someone explain the rules. Someone call HR. Someone call his mother.
The kid is in the side room, grumbling as he tries on a jacket that doesn’t swallow him whole.
The main lounge is tense.
Oddjob, Jaws, Dario, Necros, Nick Nack, Gobinda, Wint & Kidd — all standing around like they’re waiting for a bomb to go off.
The door opens.
Tee Hee strolls in, smiling, claw clicking softly.
He stops.
Looks around.
Everyone looks guilty.
Tee Hee (quietly):“…Evenin’, gentlemen. Why y’all look like you’re hidin’ somethin’?”
Silence.
He narrows his eyes.
Tee Hee:
“…What’s goin’ on?”
The henchmen exchange panicked glances.
Someone has to say it.
Finally, Jaws steps forward.
Jaws (gentle growl):“Hrrnn.”
(Translation: “We have a new recruit.”)
Tee Hee blinks.
Tee Hee:
“A new… what?”
Nick Nack gestures nervously toward the side room.
Nick Nack:“He’s in there. Changing. Into a uniform that… fits.”
Tee Hee frowns.
Tee Hee:
“…Fits? What’s wrong with the standard size?”
Dario throws his hands up.
Dario:“Because he’s fourteen! Fourteen! He’s a kid! A literal kid!”
Tee Hee freezes.
His smile drops.
He looks from face to face, waiting for someone to say it’s a joke.
No one does.
Tee Hee (slowly):“…You’re tellin’ me… that behind that door… is a child?”
Necros nods, solemn.
Necros:“He asked if we validate parking for parents.”
GobindaGrunts.
Gobinda:
“He asked if we have a cafeteria.”
Gobinda’s inner thoughts:
I am not explaining villain nutrition to a child.
Wint & Kidd step forward like undertakers delivering bad news.
Wint:“Mr. Tee Hee… the boy believes he is joining our profession.”
Kidd:
“And we are all… adjusting.”
Tee Hee stares at them, stunned.
He rubs his forehead with his claw.
And now — with the information finally in place — he asks the question he couldn’t ask before.
Tee Hee (whispering, horrified):“…What kind of villain hires a fourteen‑year‑old boy to be his henchman?”
The room collectively exhales.
Oddjob nods so hard his hat nearly falls off.
Jaws raises a hand in agreement.
Dario mutters, “Thank you.”
Nick Nack sighs with relief.
Wint & Kidd exchange a polite, haunted glance.
From the next room…Kid (calling out):
“Hey! Do I get a grappling hook? And can someone help me tie this belt?”
Every henchman winces.
Tee Hee closes his eyes.
Tee Hee:
“…Lord have mercy. This is worse than the crocodile farm.”
The side‑room door creaks open.
Every henchman straightens instinctively — Oddjob folds his arms, Jaws tries to look encouraging, Dario looks like he wants to hide behind a potted plant, and Tee Hee mutters a quiet prayer under his breath.
The kid steps out.
He’s wearing:
a black tactical vest that hangs a little loose
trousers rolled up at the ankles
boots two sizes too big
a belt that’s clearly been tied by someone else
and a KAOS‑style holster with absolutely nothing in it
He beams proudly.
Kid:
“So… how do I look?”
The room freezes.
OddjobGives a stiff nod.
Oddjob:
“…”
(Thumbs up.)
Oddjob’s inner thoughts:
He looks like he’s going to a villain‑themed school play.
JawsSmiles warmly, trying to be supportive.
Jaws:
“Hrrnn.”
(A friendly growl.)
Jaws’ inner thoughts:
If I smile too wide, I’ll scare him. If I don’t smile, I’ll scare him. Why is this so complicated.
DarioForces a grin that looks more like a grimace.
Dario:
“Yeah, kid. Very… intimidating.”
Dario’s inner thoughts:
He looks like he’s about to ask where the juice boxes are.
NecrosNods politely.
Necros:
“It fits you well.”
Necros’ inner thoughts:
It does not fit him well. Nothing about this fits anything.
Wint & KiddStep forward with synchronized politeness.
Wint:
“Quite dashing, young man.”
Kidd:
“Positively fearsome.”
Wint’s inner thoughts:
He looks like a lost pageboy.
Kidd’s inner thoughts:
If he asks for a bedtime, I’m leaving.
Tee HeeSmiles with genuine warmth — he can’t help it.
Tee Hee:
“Well now… don’t you look sharp.”
Tee Hee’s inner thoughts:
Lord help us all. This boy is gonna get eaten alive.
Nick NackSteps forward, hands on hips, trying to look authoritative.
Nick Nack:
“Yes, yes, very good. Very… hench.”
Nick Nack’s inner thoughts:
He’s taller than me already. This is unacceptable.
Gobinda stands at the back of the group, arms folded, expression carved from stone.
He doesn’t move.
He doesn’t blink.
He just stares at the kid with that same “I once fought Bond on top of a plane, and now this is my life” energy.
Finally, he gives the smallest possible nod.
Gobinda:
“…Acceptable.”
The kid beams even harder.
Gobinda’s inner thoughts:This is not acceptable. This is the opposite of acceptable. Kamal Khan would never allow this. I have jumped onto moving trains, wrestled Bond at altitude, and now I am expected to mentor a child who cannot tie his own belt. If he asks me to help with homework, I will walk into the nearest propeller.
The kid, oblivious:“Thanks, mister! You look really strong. Do you think I’ll get muscles like yours?”
Gobinda’s eye twitches.
Gobinda:
“…In time.”
Gobinda’s inner thoughts:No. Absolutely not. You will not. You are fourteen. You should be at school. Why am I here. Why is any of this happening.
The KidBeaming with pride.
Kid:
“Awesome! So… what’s my first mission? Do I get to fight Bond? Or guard a lair? Or—”
Every henchman reacts at once.
Oddjob:
“!”
(Sharp head shake.)
Jaws:
“Hrrnn!”
(Absolutely not.)
Dario:
“No! No missions! No Bond!”
Necros:
“You will… observe. Only observe.”
Wint:
“Perhaps something less strenuous.”
Kidd:
“Much less.”
Tee Hee:
“Son, your first mission is… uh… learnin’ the ropes.”
Nick Nack:
“Yes! Ropes! Very important. Knot‑tying. Safety protocols. Filing.”
The kid deflates slightly.
Kid:
“Oh. Okay… I guess.”
The henchmen all exhale in relief.
ORIENTATION BEGINS
The kid stands in front of them in his slightly‑too‑big uniform, trying to look fierce.
The henchmen form a semicircle like a very dangerous PTA meeting.
Tee Hee claps his metal claw once.
Tee Hee:
“Alright, son. Welcome to Orientation. We’re gonna teach you the basics of bein’ a proper henchman.”
The kid beams.
Kid:
“Awesome! I’m ready to fight Bond!”
Every henchman winces.
Wint:
“Oh dear.”
Kidd:
“Quite premature.”
Dario:
“Let’s… start smaller.”
Oddjob — Lesson 1: ProfessionalismOddjob steps forward, taps his hat, and stands perfectly still.
Nick Nack (whispering to the kid):
“This means: always look intimidating. Even when you’re confused. Or hungry.”
Oddjob nods once, solemn.
The kid tries to mimic the pose.
He looks like he’s waiting for school photos.
Jaws — Lesson 2: IntimidationJaws steps forward, bares his metal teeth in a slow, dramatic grin.
The kid gasps.
Kid:
“Whoa! How do I get teeth like that?”
Jaws shakes his head gently.
Jaws:
“Hrrnn.”
(Translation: “You don’t.”)
Dario — Lesson 3: AttitudeDario leans in, knife twirling.
Dario:
“Rule number one: don’t smile. Ever. Villains don’t smile.”
The kid immediately smiles.
Dario sighs.
Dario:
“…We’ll work on it.”
Necros — Lesson 4: DisciplineNecros pauses his Walkman.
Necros:
“You must be silent. Efficient. Focused.”
The kid nods vigorously.
Kid:
“Got it! Silent! Efficient! Focused! Like a ninja!”
Necros closes his eyes.
Necros:
“…Close enough.”
Tee Hee — Lesson 5: GadgetsTee Hee raises his metal claw.
Tee Hee:
“Now, son, gadgets are important. But you ain’t gettin’ any yet.”
The kid deflates.
Kid:
“Oh. Not even a grappling hook?”
Tee Hee:
“Especially not a grappling hook.”
Wint & Kidd — Lesson 6: EtiquetteWint steps forward with a polite bow.
Wint:
“A henchman must be refined.”
Kidd:
“And courteous.”
Wint:
“Even when committing unspeakable acts.”
Kidd:
“Especially then.”
The kid nods, taking notes on a tiny notepad.
Gobinda — Lesson 7: ObedienceGobinda steps forward, towering over the kid.
Gobinda:
“You follow orders. Without question.”
The kid salutes instantly.
Kid:
“Yes sir!”
Gobinda nods once.
This is the first moment he looks genuinely satisfied.
Nick Nack — Lesson 8: SurvivalNick Nack steps forward, hands on hips.
Nick Nack:
“And finally… always know where the exits are. Always.”
The kid looks around, confused.
Kid:
“Why?”
Every henchman answers at once:
ALL:
“Bond.”
The kid gulps.
PRACTICE DRILL
Tee Hee claps his metal claw once.
Tee Hee:
“Alright, son. Time for your first practice drill.”
The kid straightens up, excited.
Kid:
“Yes! Finally! Combat training?”
Every henchman winces.
Wint:
“Oh no, nothing so… strenuous.”
Kidd:
“Or legally questionable.”
Dario:
“Or dangerous. Or sharp. Or loud. Or—”
Tee Hee:
“Dario, hush.”
Tee Hee gestures to the center of the room, where they’ve set up a simple obstacle course:
a cardboard cutout of Bond
a fake laser grid made of red yarn
a plastic crate labeled “TOP SECRET”
a foam rubber “henchman baton”
a traffic cone for no discernible reason
The kid gasps.
Kid:
“Whoa! This is awesome!”
The henchmen exchange looks like parents watching a toddler approach a chainsaw.
DRILL STEP 1 — “INTIMIDATE THE TARGET”Jaws steps forward, pointing at the cardboard Bond.
Jaws:
“Hrrnn.”
(Meaning: “Growl menacingly.”)
The kid squares up, takes a deep breath…
…and squeaks.
Kid:
“Grr?”
Jaws nods politely, trying not to look pained.
Jaws’ inner thoughts:
That was not a growl. That was a confused guinea pig.
DRILL STEP 2 — “MOVE THROUGH THE LASER GRID”Nick Nack gestures at the red yarn.
Nick Nack:
“Now, agility. Move through the lasers without touching them.”
The kid nods, determined.
He takes one step…
Trips on the first strand…
Falls face‑first into the entire grid…
And ends up wrapped like a villain burrito.
Nick Nack sighs.
Nick Nack:
“…We’ll mark that as ‘needs improvement.’”
DRILL STEP 3 — “SECURE THE SECRET PACKAGE”Dario points at the crate.
Dario:
“Pick up the box. Carry it to the other side. Don’t drop it.”
The kid salutes.
He grabs the box.
It’s empty.
He still struggles.
He wobbles.
He staggers.
He drops it.
It makes the quietest thunk imaginable.
Dario pinches the bridge of his nose.
Dario:
“…I’m going to scream.”
DRILL STEP 4 — “DEFEND YOURSELF”Tee Hee hands the kid the foam baton.
Tee Hee:
“Alright, son. Last step. I’m gonna swing slow. You block.”
The kid nods, ready.
Tee Hee swings in exaggerated slow motion.
The kid panics…
Drops the baton…
Covers his head…
And yells:
Kid:
“TIME OUT!”
Every henchman freezes.
Tee Hee lowers his claw.
Tee Hee:
“…Son, villains don’t get time outs.”
THE HENCHMEN HUDDLEThey gather in a tight circle while the kid picks up his baton again.
Necros:
“He is… not ready.”
Gobinda:
“He cannot lift a box.”
Wint:
“He cannot growl.”
Kidd:
“He cannot navigate yarn.”
Dario:
“He cannot block a foam stick.”
Oddjob taps his hat once, solemnly.
Jaws nods.
Tee Hee sighs.
Tee Hee:
“Alright, gentlemen. New plan.”
They break the huddle.
TEE HEE ANNOUNCES THE VERDICTTee Hee:
“Son… we’re gonna start you on… support duties.”
The kid brightens.
Kid:
“Like… tech? Recon? Surveillance?”
Nick Nack:
“No. Filing.”
Dario:
“And sweeping.”
Wint:
“And light refreshments.”
Kidd:
“Very light.”
Gobinda:
“And no missions.”
Necros:
“None.”
The kid deflates.
Kid:
“Oh… okay.”
The henchmen all exhale in relief.
BOND ARRIVES
The henchmen are still recovering from the practice drill.
The kid is proudly holding his foam baton like it’s Excalibur.
Suddenly—
The door swings open.
James Bond steps inside, tuxedo immaculate, expression mildly annoyed as if he took a wrong turn on the way to the bar.
Every henchman freezes.
Oddjob drops his hat.
Jaws inhales sharply.
Dario swears under his breath.
Nick Nack dives behind a chair.
Wint & Kidd clutch each other like startled Victorian widows.
Gobinda instinctively reaches for a sword that isn’t there.
Necros pauses his Walkman mid‑chorus.
Tee Hee whispers:
“Hide the boy!”
THE SCRAMBLEThe henchmen shove the kid behind them like a group of dads hiding a puppy from the landlord.
Bond raises an eyebrow.
Bond:
“…What exactly is going on here?”
Tee Hee steps forward, sweating.
Tee Hee:
“Nothin’! Just a… uh… team‑buildin’ exercise.”
Bond looks at the tangled yarn “laser grid,” the foam baton, the cardboard cutout of himself, and the kid’s boots sticking out from behind Jaws’ legs.
He sighs.
Bond:
“I see.”
THE KID REVEALS HIMSELFThe kid, thinking this is his moment to shine, pops out from behind Jaws.
Kid:
“Hi! I’m the new henchman!”
Every henchman groans in unison.
Bond stares.
Long pause.
He looks at the kid.
Then at the henchmen.
Then back at the kid.
Finally:
Bond:
“…This is a henchman?”
The kid beams proudly.
Kid:
“Yep! I’m gonna fight you someday!”
Bond blinks twice.
Bond:
“…Good lord.”
THE HENCHMEN TRY TO EXPLAINWint steps forward, flustered.
Wint:
“He’s… in training.”
Kidd:
“Very early training.”
Dario:
“He can’t even lift a box.”
Nick Nack:
“He failed the yarn test.”
Necros:
“He asked for a time‑out.”
Bond pinches the bridge of his nose.
BOND’S VERDICTBond kneels slightly to address the kid.
Bond:
“Son… have you considered chess? Or stamp collecting? Something less… fatal?”
The kid frowns.
Kid:
“But I want to be a henchman!”
Bond glances at the adults.
Bond:
“You’re letting him do this?”
Oddjob shrugs.
Jaws nods apologetically.
Gobinda looks away.
Tee Hee mutters, “It wasn’t our idea.”
Bond sighs deeply.
Bond:
“…I’m not fighting a child.”
The kid looks disappointed.
Kid:
“Oh. Okay.”
Bond pats him on the shoulder.
Bond:
“Good lad.”
FINAL BEAT
Bond has just patted the kid on the shoulder and gently refused to fight him.
The henchmen are exhausted, frazzled, and silently praying for divine intervention.
Suddenly—
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
Every henchman jumps.
Tee Hee whispers:
“If that’s another child, I’m quittin’.”
The door swings open.
And there he is.
Dr. Evil.
Grey suit.
Bald head.
Pinkie raised.
He clears his throat.
Dr. Evil:
“Pardon me… I believe my newly recruited henchman wandered in here by mistake.”
The kid gasps.
Kid:
“Wait… you’re my boss?”
Dr. Evil:
“Yes. You’re not supposed to fight James Bond. You’re supposed to fight… AUSTIN POWERS.”
The kid’s face lights up like Christmas.
Kid:
“Ohhh! That makes way more sense!”
Every Bond henchman collapses with relief.
Oddjob bows.
Jaws wipes his brow.
Dario sinks into a chair.
Wint & Kidd applaud politely.
Gobinda mutters, “Thank the gods.”
Necros unpauses his Walkman triumphantly.
Tee Hee whispers, “Bless you, sir.”
Bond just nods, utterly done.
Bond:
“Well. Good luck with that.”
Nick Nack steps forward, hands on hips, eyes narrowed in theatrical outrage.
Nick Nack:
“Oh, wonderful. So he wasn’t even one of ours? I spent all day trying to figure out if he was my replacement!”
The henchmen stare.
Nick Nack continues, gesturing wildly:
Nick Nack:
“Do you know how stressful that is? A fourteen‑year‑old! Taller than me already! And he can’t even get through yarn!”
He points accusingly at the kid.
Nick Nack:
“You! Next time, check the sign on the door. This is the Bond Henchman Society. Not the… the… Mini‑Me Academy!”
Dr. Evil raises a pinkie.
Dr. Evil:
“Actually, that’s down the hall.”
Nick Nack throws his hands up.
Nick Nack:
“Of course it is.”
The kid waves cheerfully.
Kid:
“Bye, Mr. Nick Nack! Thanks for the survival tips!”
Nick Nack softens just a little.
Nick Nack:
“…You’re welcome. And remember: always know where the exits are.”
The kid nods solemnly.
Dr. Evil snaps his fingers.
Dr. Evil:
“Come along, Mini‑Minion.”
The kid salutes the room.
Kid:
“Bye everyone! Thanks for the training! I’ll beat Austin Powers for you!”
The henchmen wave like relieved parents watching a school bus drive away.
Dr. Evil and the kid exit.
The door closes.
Silence.
Then—
Tee Hee:
“…Next time, we check IDs.”
Nick Nack sighs, adjusts his vest, and mutters:
Nick Nack:
“I need a vacation.”
Blackout.