Dirty Benny's Weekly Rant

[dirtybenny]

Thank you all very much, I'm always glad to see that the fruits of my labor are enjoyed! But don't worry, my ego can still fit in that shoe box!

[dirtybenny]

Special Feature Rant: The Spectre Introspection: part 4: Q Lab, we must get them in the shops in time for Christmas!



Cut to the river Thames, Craig and Tanner are cruising along in a military style fast boat; much like the one Craig stepped off ten years ago, seasick and woozy when he was introduced as EON’s biggest mistake. As the two pass the old MI6 HQ at Vauxhall Cross Tanner laments how it will be torn down in a week. Ooh foreshadowing! Juxtaposed against that right across the river is the new center for national security building a tall circular glass monstrosity jutting to the heavens, fresh, new, clean, sterile. The boat makes a left under a bridge and in to Q’s new subterranean lair guarded by machine gun toting agents. They try to explain Q moved there to escape the prying eyes of the new regime, but I question how that was allowed, C and his plethora of spy cameras didn’t notice as MI6’s quartermaster division spirited away all of their equipment, projects, and personnel? Or all the new heavily armed water sport enthusiasts down by the river?

As they reach the pier Tanner tells Craig to mind his step as it’s a bit slippery and offers his hand for assistance, Craig steps right off without need of it, sure footed as a mountain goat, exposing that Craig is indeed a man’s man!

They enter the lab where Craig is told Q has something special in store for him, as they break the threshold a rifle fitted with a fancy scope is seen on a table Craig goes right to it, unfortunately for him this is not “Chekov’s gun” and he puts it down.

Enter Ben Whishaw as Q, I must confess old Ben did a lot to grow on me here, he really steals the scene. (Not a difficult thing to do when up against Craig, but you get the point.) Gone is the effeminate, uppity, self-important I.T. guy persona, and in its place he does his best to effect a modern day Desmond Llewelyn. Still a bit effeminate perhaps but that’s who Ben is.

Old Q shoots Craig up with the “Nano Blood” which puts microchips in his blood stream, I can think of less convoluted ways to keep tabs on someone, but OK. Q shows Craig the Aston Martin DB10™, but since he’s been grounded, I have to ask why? The car’s been reallocated to 009 so why waste time showing it to Craig? Q gives him an Omega Seamaster 300 Spectre edition watch™, available at fine jewelers everywhere, this one’s been packed with explosives, as Q explains “The alarm is rather loud, if you get my meaning.” Why is he talking in riddles, and why give an exploding $6000 watch to a man who shouldn’t be using it? I also must point out, just last movie Q states “What did you expect, an exploding pen? We don’t really go in for that sort of thing anymore.” You don’t eh? No, exploding watches are all the rage now! So exploding pens are ridiculous, but an exploding watch is perfectly fine? OK, I see the logic in that.

They pass the old DB5, ugh the way they flaunt it about. As Drax said, that car has “the inevitable tediousness of an unloved season”. They can’t play the Bond theme mid movie, but we see that darn car every movie! Q says “I told you to bring it back in one piece, not bring back one piece” cute line, but this Q didn’t give him that car, in fact the inclusion of that car in this rebooted universe is rather confusing, I guess even for the film makers, not just for us.

Craig asks Q to hold off on tracking him for a couple of days so he can jet off to Rome, Q agrees but I ask why? Their relationship hasn’t been established to be one of career jeopardizing trust, so why is Q sticking his neck out for Craig? It doesn’t matter, as we’ll see later, many things happen in this film simply because “We say so”.

Cut to pretentious skyline shot of London with creepy music, then to Moneypenny’s desk where she is opening a package containing a cell phone from Craig. I assume it’s a “burner” phone meant to keep MI6 from keeping tabs on their conversations, it’ll be important later on.

Back to Q who is informed 009 is here for the car. Q opens the door to discover the car is gone and in its place a bottle of fine, chilled Bollenger champagne™. (Coupled with the high tech rifle Craig uses in Mexico begs the question, don’t they lock anything up at MI6?) This is one of the many attempts to invoke the spirit of the Moore era. They all fail miserably; however I can’t really accurately gauge this one, for one simple reason. Sir Roger never had to steal anything from Q.

Would Rog leave a bottle of bubbly to make up for grand theft auto? Maybe, but he didn’t need to, you know why? Because the producers understood in those days that Bond didn’t need any “personal motivation” or to “go rogue” in order for him to venture out to do battle, do you know why that is? BECAUSE SPYING IS HIS JOB!!! Globetrotting to exotic locals to thwart evil plots is his 9-5; it’s what he’s payed to do! It doesn’t need to be “personal” because, why would it be? How often does your personal life and work life cross? How often do you “go rogue” at work and need to “borrow” the copy machine for a weekend to “get the job done”? Has your sibling ever started a rival company to exact revenge against you? Has a “dark secret” ever come back to haunt your supervisor, requiring you to take action to save them? Yeah, neither should Bond.

[Veronica]

Its funny how Craig-Bond always needs something personal happening to do his job...oh and that's realistic,so they say.
As for SP invoking some Roger Moore style...Ian Dunross said it in his review. Craig lacks the panache and style to pull it off. Not to mention charisma which Moore has plenty and Craig has...not.

[dirtybenny]

Its funny how Craig-Bond always needs something personal happening to do his job...oh and that's realistic,so they say.
As for SP invoking some Roger Moore style...Ian Dunross said it in his review. Craig lacks the panache and style to pull it off. Not to mention charisma which Moore has plenty and Craig has...not.

Yeah V, It's really sad how far EON has lost the plot.

CR; This mission has personal implications for Bond, QOS; Bond goes on a personal mission of revenge, SF; A dark secret from M's past sends Bond on a mission of personal importance, SP; A cryptic message sends Bond on a personal mission.

To put it another way: This time its personal, No THIS time its personal, No really THIS time its personal, No, no for reals THIS time it really, really is personal!


And Craig really does lack the style, charm and sophistication to pull off a Moore style, but that's nothing we don't already know, I'll touch on that more as the rants progress.

[Veronica]

I already said in the next movie the villain will have personal vendetta against Craig-Bond. I am guessing Craig stole his lollipop when they were 5.

[The Saint 007]

I think pretty much every Bond film since Licence To Kill has had some personal angle to the story lines. This is fine every once in awhile, but it's now become rather tiresome. Enough with rogue Bond, overemotional Bond, trust issues, villains with personal issue, whether Bond/MI6 is still relevant in the modern world, etc. Why can't we just get back to Bond being a man on an exciting mission and willing to do his job? Is that really so much to ask for these days?

In regards to the Aston Martin DB5, I've seen complaints from fans about how it's losing its iconic value due to it being constantly inserted in the recent films, and I also feel the same way. Moore's Bond never drove an Aston, and the Lotus Esprit became an iconic Bond car.

[Kristatos]

I think I'll start a thread on that subject, to avoid derailing this one.

[dirtybenny]

I think pretty much every Bond film since Licence To Kill has had some personal angle to the story lines. This is fine every once in awhile, but it's now become rather tiresome. Enough with rogue Bond, overemotional Bond, trust issues, villains with personal issue, whether Bond/MI6 is still relevant in the modern world, etc. Why can't we just get back to Bond being a man on an exciting mission and willing to do his job? Is that really so much to ask for these days?

In regards to the Aston Martin DB5, I've seen complaints from fans about how it's losing its iconic value due to it being constantly inserted in the recent films, and I also feel the same way. Moore's Bond never drove an Aston, and the Lotus Esprit became an iconic Bond car.

You're right Saint, there hasn't been some sort of "personal" aspect to Bond films as well as some psychological component, for the last 25 years! First LTK explored the concept, then once Babzy took control she kept right on going, look at GE, Trevelyan goes so far as to explain Bond's Freudian ego, "Do all the martinis silence the screams of all the men you killed... " Going so far as to say "Spare me the Freud." I wish they would!

As I said Bond's job is to be a spy, sure a personal mission makes for an interesting break once in a while, but there is absolutely no need to tie his family, friends, next door neighbors, in to his professional life every film!

[Veronica]

Maybe they'll throw Craig-Bond's childhood doctor in the next film. And this brother stuff in SP *headdeskfacepalm* just shows how they just want to kiss asses of all those pretentious critics.

[dirtybenny]

Special Feature Rant: The Spectre Introspection: part 5: Time to bury the old year; A funeral fit for a franchise.

A swooping shot through the roman skyline and more of the “music” or more accurately, creepy symphonic screaming which we heard in London. We know this is Rome because we can see the Coliseum and about half a dozen pizza shops (I kid, about the pizza shops I mean.) also because Craig outright said in the previous scene that was where he was heading, but most of all because Mendes felt the need to write “ROME” at the bottom of the screen. I don’t seem to remember Bond films labeling the locations as often as they have during the Craig era, I understand if they go to say Tuscaloosa Alabama without any context, such as saying “I’m next off to Tuscaloosa!” but Rome? It’s a major international city, not to mention as I stated, HE JUST SAID HE WAS GOING THERE!

Craig makes note of the “optional extras” Q added to the car, 4 of the cheapest, most poorly bodged together switches marked “Air”, “Atmosphere”, “Backfire”, and “Exhaust” with that labeling tape from the 70’s.
Just look at this travesty!







They could have duct taped the climate control panel from a 1988 Yugo to the dashboard and it would have looked more professional! As I’ve said before, you used to see the “money on the screen” in Bond films, now I don’t think they try anymore. Couldn’t they have scrimped with the makeup on some of the Mexico extras, standing way in the back, so they’d have more than 50 cents to spend on vehicle effects? They spent a record $350 million on this picture at least half of that must have gone to Sammy “The Scarf” Mendes

Craig reaches the funeral of Mr. Sciarra and watches from afar, dressed in black coat and dark glasses, very much like the mobsters in attendance, shot with more pretentious exposition; I’m starting to detect a theme here. He eyes the widow Sciarra (Monica Bellucci in her much ballyhooed role) out in front of the procession and hones in. Craig walks closer to the action past columns and sarcophaguses, showing they put far more effort and thought in to pretention than the story or script! Ten feet from Craig is a figure with an eggplant shaped head that looks eerily similar to Christoph Waltz! Craig seems to recognize him as he spends an awkward amount of time leering at him. Waltz must have felt Craig’s gaze boring a hole in to the back of his head as he soon departs, along with the rest of the congregation who disappear faster than Brosnan’s Vanquish in DAD.

Of course we know Waltz is Blofeld, so this scene begs the question: what the hell is he doing there? Why is the reclusive head of a secret criminal organization attending the funeral of an underling? I don’t care if this guy was second in command, Blofeld would not expose himself for such a trivial matter a burying a henchman, especially when you consider his contempt for human life.

I must also ask, here is a man Craig recognizes as we find out later, his long believed dead foster brother, a man who shouldn’t be there, so why not follow him? His instructions were simply “kill this man and attend the funeral” so why when something so obviously abnormal happens, such as the appearance of a “dead” man doesn’t Craig react accordingly? Couldn’t that be why Momma M sent you there? “Nope, I’m just going to go hound this old widow!” And if the doppelganger turns out to be a dead end he can hound her later.

Craig approaches the widow in a cinematic juxtaposition similar to this scene in Miami Vice, compare and contrast:





Rather than do the obvious, tail the suspicious character he seemed to recognize, Craig makes contact with the widow and attempts to sell her life insurance. Craig looks like a waxen Muppet in this scene, more so than normal. His jowls hanging like a hound dog, skin sliding off his cheeks in to a pool of flesh. Bellucci asks “Can’t you see I’m grieving?” and Craig relies “No.” Oh, you see she didn’t love her husband after all, so now he can bed her! She then storms off. I would too, after looking at that mug.

The widow Bellucci arrives home pops some opera on the Gramophone, pours herself a cognac and makes her way to the terrace. Due to her aversion to using electricity, or perhaps EON’s insistence that all indoor shots take place in pitch black to cut the budget, two hit men follow her unseen to the patio. As she’s staring wistfully out over the fountain she becomes aware of their presence before hearing two pops from a silenced pistol. The widow turns to find a spectre in her yard, so that’s where the title comes from! Oh no sorry that’s Craig, the ghostly white ghoulish face threw me off for a moment!

Upon retiring to the parlor they share some stilted dialogue about her being a hunted woman now that her husband is dead. Which like everything else in this film is confusing. She could be trusted when her husband was alive? Now that he’s dead, and all his secrets with him, she can’t? She wasn’t a liability, and now she is? Why? Of course I forgot the first rule of the film Spectre: “Because we said so!” that will pop up time and again before we’re done.

Here’s where it gets a bit shall we say “rapey”. Bellucci slaps Craig, he throws the two champagne glasses he was holding to the ground then walks her up to and presses her up against a mirror. Craig begins to kiss her like a dead fish and question her on her former husband’s organization, between deep breaths she answers and at one point she even sheds a tear, which really makes this feel awkward. She tells him the group is meeting that very evening to choose a replacement for her husband, as Craig removes her clothes. Now setting the rape aside I must ask this question, (I know so many questions, it’s like I’m using my critical thinking cap or something) How does she know about this meeting? She know where, she knows when, she even knows whats on the agenda! Yet as far as the film has established she’s not an operative of theirs, she holds no rank in the organization, her husband isn’t around to tell her, she’s just a glorified housewife who Spectre feels is a loose end, so how the bloody hell does she know all this?

She begins to warm to Craig’s not so gentle touch as they fade to black and resume the action in the bedroom where Craig is jotting down a note. Craig tells her, he’s contacted an American friend named Felix, (Get it! You know who it is!) who will get her to safety once she contacts the U.S. embassy. Now let me back up here. Last we hear in QOS, Felix was made head of the CIA’s South American operations, so for her to get to him she has to jump through a lot of hoops. I point that out because we know Felix is an undisputed “good guy” and so he would definitely help her, but as pointed out in QOS: A.) Spy agencies particularly the CIA are not to be trusted, as they will “get in to bed with anyone” and sell out their friends as Felix’s boss did to Craig, and B.) The Quantum/Spectre organization has people everywhere including Momma M’s very own personal body guard, not to mention the new head of the joint intelligence service (C). With an army of surveillance cameras and pipelines to all the world’s intelligence services! So how long would this gal really last.

As Craig leaves he wishes her good luck (as I pointed out she’ll need it) and we see her on the bed dressed in a fancy corset and stockings which were definitely not there when Craig undressed her. So she either dresses extremely provocatively post sex, or the continuity team were napping on the job, it won’t be the last time we see a lingerie magic trick in this film.

So Monica Bellucci’s big role in this film was the “disposable conquest” included to shove the plot along kicking and screaming in her 3 minutes of screen time, and to add another notch to the bed post. Usually this girl meets a not so pleasant fate; see Agent Fields (QOS) and Paris Carver (TND) to name a few. I guess Monica was special because she got a “happy ending”. So much was made of her and her age, the “Bond woman” but there have been mature women in the series before, for example, Honor Blackman Ms. Pussy Galore was 38 at the time of GF, 4 years Connery’s senior! But all that aside, why the hell does EON deserve a medal for putting a gorgeous woman in to a beautiful gown and forcing her to “kiss” a pale, wounded trout. What, just because she’s a little on the older side? So what! Shouldn’t we as a society be beyond that now?

And finally I want to point out something else I noticed.


Here is Monica Bellucci:



And here is Babzy Broccoli:




Notice any similarities? I’m beginning to suspect Monica was cast because she shares a striking resemblance to Ms. Broccoli, which makes me wonder, was this all an elaborate surrogate sex scene, something for Babzy to cuddle up to alone on long winter evenings? Food for thought.

[The Saint 007]

More time and money goes into these new Bond films, but yet they still can't capture the same magic as the classics. And no amount of cheap homages will do that either.

I understand that every Bond film has its imperfections, but most people will pick apart the more lighthearted/adventurous entries, while the "serious" ones get a pass. So I'm definitely enjoying your dissection of Spectre, because it shows just how ridiculous this so-called serious Bond film really is.

[Veronica]

The whole "Bellucci-first Bond woman" thing was ridiculous at the very least. As well as the whole "deep","serious" Bond. Because God forbid Bond movie should be any fun.
It's all about mood these days,critics and film makers seem to say.

[dirtybenny]

More time and money goes into these new Bond films, but yet they still can't capture the same magic as the classics. And no amount of cheap homages will do that either.

I understand that every Bond film has its imperfections, but most people will pick apart the more lighthearted/adventurous entries, while the "serious" ones get a pass. So I'm definitely enjoying your dissection of Spectre, because it shows just how ridiculous this so-called serious Bond film really is.

The whole "Bellucci-first Bond woman" thing was ridiculous at the very least. As well as the whole "deep","serious" Bond. Because God forbid Bond movie should be any fun.
It's all about mood these days,critics and film makers seem to say.

To both your points, it is definitely a case of function following form over at EON these days, as Saint said, not a big deal when your action/spy thriller is a fun piece of escapism, but when you try to mire it down with "emotion" and "pretense" that dark "mood" causes it all to fall apart.

[The Saint 007]

Just had a look at the site where you found the picture of the Aston Martin DB10 switches prop, and couldn't believe the person who wrote the article had the nerve to refer to it as a "cool prop". Yeah, I can hardly wait for this "cool prop" to be featured in an updated version of the Bond By Design book. Seriously, this is the sort of thing I could see in a low budget B-movie. Got to love how the "Atmosphere" label hangs over the edges of the switch panel.

[dirtybenny]

Just had a look at the site where you found the picture of the Aston Martin DB10 switches prop, and couldn't believe the person who wrote the article had the nerve to refer to it as a "cool prop". Yeah, I can hardly wait for this "cool prop" to be featured in an updated version of the Bond By Design book. Seriously, this is the sort of thing I could see in a low budget B-movie. Got to love how the "Atmosphere" label hangs over the edges of the switch panel.

Yeah Saint, I noticed that label too, when I saw those switches in the theater I nearly spit out my popcorn! (Not that I could really keep it down looking at Craig) As far as it being called "cool" its amazing how far standards have fallen, or how low the sycophants prostrate themselves before EON to entreat their favor. Those props are not "cool" by any definition. The switches are cheap, and the gadgets they control are at best, warmed over rehashes of previous ones, and at worst unimaginative cheap gags. I can't wait for Craig to leave, not so much as I blame him for what's going on, but because once he's gone everyone will finally step back and recognize how poor this era really is.

[Capt. Sir Dominic Flandry]

I remember the Yugo. Craig should have this as his Bond car.

[Veronica]

Just had a look at the site where you found the picture of the Aston Martin DB10 switches prop, and couldn't believe the person who wrote the article had the nerve to refer to it as a "cool prop". Yeah, I can hardly wait for this "cool prop" to be featured in an updated version of the Bond By Design book. Seriously, this is the sort of thing I could see in a low budget B-movie. Got to love how the "Atmosphere" label hangs over the edges of the switch panel.

Yeah Saint, I noticed that label too, when I saw those switches in the theater I nearly spit out my popcorn! (Not that I could really keep it down looking at Craig) As far as it being called "cool" its amazing how far standards have fallen, or how low the sycophants prostrate themselves before EON to entreat their favor. Those props are not "cool" by any definition. The switches are cheap, and the gadgets they control are at best, warmed over rehashes of previous ones, and at worst unimaginative cheap gags. I can't wait for Craig to leave, not so much as I blame him for what's going on, but because once he's gone everyone will finally step back and recognize how poor this era really is.

I hope that some people will come to understand Bond movies shouldn't be about what motivates Bond or how he became what he became or whatever...because it's quite clear for me what motivates him. love for his country.
A few days ago one person told me the movies before the reboot are movies for little kids and that Casino Royale is by far the best Bond movie.and that Spectre is great too. Right.
Some people just take themselves(and everything around them) way too seriously.

[dirtybenny]

Just had a look at the site where you found the picture of the Aston Martin DB10 switches prop, and couldn't believe the person who wrote the article had the nerve to refer to it as a "cool prop". Yeah, I can hardly wait for this "cool prop" to be featured in an updated version of the Bond By Design book. Seriously, this is the sort of thing I could see in a low budget B-movie. Got to love how the "Atmosphere" label hangs over the edges of the switch panel.

Yeah Saint, I noticed that label too, when I saw those switches in the theater I nearly spit out my popcorn! (Not that I could really keep it down looking at Craig) As far as it being called "cool" its amazing how far standards have fallen, or how low the sycophants prostrate themselves before EON to entreat their favor. Those props are not "cool" by any definition. The switches are cheap, and the gadgets they control are at best, warmed over rehashes of previous ones, and at worst unimaginative cheap gags. I can't wait for Craig to leave, not so much as I blame him for what's going on, but because once he's gone everyone will finally step back and recognize how poor this era really is.

I hope that some people will come to understand Bond movies shouldn't be about what motivates Bond or how he became what he became or whatever...because it's quite clear for me what motivates him. love for his country.
A few days ago one person told me the movies before the reboot are movies for little kids and that Casino Royale is by far the best Bond movie.and that Spectre is great too. Right.
Some people just take themselves(and everything around them) way too seriously.

Yeah V, as I say Bond's JOB is thwarting global crime, in fact Craig even says in SF "I'm motivated by my duty" so why the bloody hell do we keep hearing about his Mother, Brother, Lover, and surrogate parents every d**n movie!

As to this statement:

"...the movies before the reboot are movies for little kids and that Casino Royale is by far the best Bond movie. and that Spectre is great too."

That has to be the most contradictory phrase I've heard in a long time, CR and SP are so diametrically opposed. To say, CR which is devoid of any "Bond" is the best and that SP which makes DAD look like a Bourne film with all its cheap "homages" are both on par and all that came before is childish is laughable!

[Veronica]

Then again,I find every other statement by Craig fanboys to be laughable...
And when I remember those comparisons between Connery and Craig that some critics talked about!

[dirtybenny]

Hello my valued friends, I hope all had a happy holiday season, and wish you all a happy and prosperous new year! I may or may not be able to post a new installment of my Spectre rant this week as I'm preparing for my trip to Paris. I can definitely say there will not be one next week, as I will be enjoying the city of light. On that note, considering this is a hip international crowd, does anyone have any suggestions/tips for a Paris first timer? Thanks in advance!